Mikey D (holding his hands shoulder width apart) - "I'm this much too short"
Sparkle - "I haven't been that drunk since I jumped off a train"
Kathy - (to the crew) - "wow.... Ya'll just wait till you're old enough to get social security statements"
the entire crew - "everyone gets those, Kathy."
Sam - "this pen..... it doesn't write well on fried chicken"
Sam (to country) - "how many guys on "Cookin'" smoke pot?
Country - "all of em' after I got done with them."
Country (re: google earth) - "look at Missouri... doesn't it just look wierd?"
Sparkle (re: loosing the schedule) - "you know.... when I put it there I knew I wouldn't remember it."
Kathy (re: the work call) - "They're re-conditioning the footprint that the set sits on" (ok, that's so not what we're doing.....)
Mike - "I love rolly-pollys"
Dan - "my sister used to eat them"
Sparkle (after putting the spray paint away) - Did I spray paint my head?"
Robby - "I haven't smelled a smell like that since I threw up in high school"
Robby (showing me this dude's proprietary PA he loaded into CO. Springs) - "Tell me where you've seen this connector before"
Mike - "Oh My God
Robby - "right.... it's from a trailer hitch"
Sparkle - "I suck"
Country - "hey... did everyone try this lemonade? I wish my pee tasted like this..... I'd drink it."
Robby - "umbrella is a cool word in every language"
Sam - "what's it in Hindu?"
Dan - "Hindu is a religion"
Sam - "who'se socks are these...... they're still wet"
Sparkle - " you can just hang them in the other room to dry them"
Robby - "who'se "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" now......"
Jim - "and so I was the retard who brought a puppet to the Avenue Q audition........ and I haven't lived it down with my agent to this day"
Joe (re: STOMP tour routing) - " what the hell is this...Manilla is not our territory"
Dan - "as soon as they learn to say 'parallel railroad tracks', I'll learn to say 'karaoke'"
Kathy (to her friand on Kurt over the phone): "hey...... did you know any of the meatpackers that won the lottery?"
Kathy (to Mike) - "what's Pasquale's first name?"
stagehand in Lubbock, TX - "He's about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop"
Dan (to Kathy) - "what's your favorite language?"
Kathy - "where's my phone?"
Leilani - "hey Kathy, I have some extra salmon sashami, do you want some?"
Kathy - "sure..... what kind is it?"
Robby - "Tim was playing "monster truck madness" in the parking lot of the AmeriSuites..."
it's funny when country refuses to pronounce french wine....
Sparkle - "the last time I heard such sophisticated talk on headset I was 15"
Dan - "don't make me tell the story of when you blacked out walkers because you thought Henry's penis was sticking out of his pants & you leaned forward to get a better look..."
Dan (overhearing Kathy & Gil on the phone) - "what's a morning kiss?"
Kathy - "we have morning kisses and love flashes"
Dan (to Mike) - "I'm gonna throw up!"
Kathy (to Ryan) -" Did you get a haircut?"
Ryan - "yeah..... Wal-Mart." (he's dead serious - that's really where he got his hair cut)
Kathy - "this bus needed to be left in the oven for another 20 min."
Ryan - "do you think it's a bad thing that that my amp racks, stage right, smell like weed?"
Dan - "I dunno... I think there's just some places your tounge wasn't meant to go."
Jim (re: his bus mates) - "these bitches need to pick up a fucking book!"
Mike - "please...... what would they possibly do with one of those?"
Jim - "use it to level the bottle of Jager on the bus so it doesnt fall over"
Country - "I accidentally taught those Koreans on "Cookin" how to do whip-its"
Sparkle Puddin' - (spraying black spray paint on the set)
Robby - "Sparkle, what are you doing?"
SP - I'm trying to clean the nozzle but it just keeps comming out"
Mike - "Sparkle Puddin's back! "
Robby - "you know... I don't know how they do it in Europe, Sparkle, but here they take the houselights out"
Bob C (re: Ryan) - If I was scared I'd be kickin his ass, takin his diaper and puttin it on!"
Ryan - I went back to the hotel and burped for an hour then passed out"
Bob C to Ryan - "You'd make a great Man Baby"
Kathy (as we're listening to Willie Wonka - "The Candy Man") - "and all this time I thought Sammy Davis Jr. was singing about drugs"
Country (re: the laminator that was torn apart on my desk)...... "hey, where'd my project go"
Mike - "You're "project" is gone"
Country - "Damnit Mappy, now what am I gonna do for the next 2 days...... I'm gonna have to break something else so I have something to do!"
Ryan - "if you put diesel fuel on a golf ball and hit it.... it stays on fire."
Country - "..... unless you're one of those wierdos in TX who has show cows..... and eventually even those get eaten....."
Ryan - "hey.... I was almost one of those guys..... but I just had turkeys."
Country (re: a bad milk stout) - "It tastes like someone took a shit in a burnt pile of coffee"
Sign at the Flying Saucer in Raleigh - "Amatures ask for frosty mugs"
Kitty (Bartenderr in Raleigh) - "You guys want an appetizer?"
Mike - "sure, just bring me something...."
Kitty - "do you like seafood...... what about crab?"
Mike - "is it a Crab with a "C" or krab with a "K?"
Kitty - "well, they won't crawl on you and make you itch........"
Gill (re: his first professional massage) - "He was touching places I've never even considered."
Gina - "Move over your slurpees boys & make room for your McDonalds"
Lil Bit - "Hey.... you wanna know the scariest thing in the world...... when Tom Craft calls JHo for parenting advice..."
Jim - "He was cute with a capitol Q"
Kathy - "wow.... you can smell my noodles from across the room"
1/5/2006 3:22pm - Kathy broke Gill..... again.
Country - "we need some good looking people so I don't feel so alone".
Dan (to Mitchell) - "How many sisters do you have"
Mitchell - "Including yours?"
Country - "I wonder what the deal with is for food around here on Sunday?"
Mike -" feel free to take the car and work something out...."
Country - "ok..... what do you want"
Mike - "something that starts with "sand" and ends with "witch" "
Mikey D - "that guy's like a clog in the toilet..... he backs me up"
Fed Ex lady (to mike) - "you're too cool to be Mike..."
Dan - "Ladies and gentelmen, Mike Martin is in the building" (after I just spaced on showtimes and showed up for work during scrapers)
We keep a little spiral notebook in the bus to write shit down...
a lot of them have no indication of who said them.... it's all a bit random
(most of it can't be published here, as my mom reads this)
here are some quotes from the bus book.
"On another note... has anyone seen a rooster?"
"There are disturbing pre-pubescent, life size bunk buddy dolls for sale in the truck stop..... where's Sparkle?
Kathy C.... "I remember in my burgeoning days..... well not "burgeoning", because I don't know what that means..."
"You don't want to be the guy who shows up at the police station to pick up the naked skater"
10/28/05 9:56pm Tim Reeve did not have a cocktail.......
"Is it wrong to use the bible to try to get laid?"
Crisis averted.... "Mmmm gin" Sparkle Puddin 10/28/05
"You hold my hair while I say Mommy" KC to Country
as the LFI truck's low fuel light comes on..... "this thing drives a lot better than it pushes..." Country
"Nothing like 3 weeks in Texas to make you glad to be in Oklahoma"
"Mike Roberts tried to kill us..... most of us survived" 11/20
"That's Fan-Sparkle-Tastick!" Mike 1/3/06
13 year old boy.... after asking Robby several astute questions about the show sound system... "Wow. I wish I had THAT system for the school dance"
re: Harpoon Winter Warmer.... "That's like drinking beer-nog" Country 1/7/06
BBC's (Bus Blander Cocktail)
- 4 oz Bailys
- 4 oz Parrot Bay Run
- 1 tbsp Coconut junk (Coco Lopez)
- 1/2 bananna
- dash of nutmeg (to garnish)
- ice
Karen (Sam's wife) "We only die once........ and for such a long time."
Kathy (looking at the piece of food she's continuing to put in her mouth) "that looks like dog food".
Tim (after tasting the nasty martini) "That reminds me of something I can't talk about."
Mike (re: the video games of today) "oh my god, right now I feel like Tipper Gore"
Brad (on the bus to us) - "You bitches are worse than gay people"
Brad (as we arrive in McAllen, TX) - "I'm going to get lynched here."
Dan - "you just have to try and blend in"
Brad - "yeah, well..... I did bring a hooded sweatshirt....."
Dan (about the local crew in Springfield) - "The last time I played here my crew was in Jr. High"
Sam - "I was old enough to drink 4 years before they were born!"
over walkie-talkie.....
Sam - "your guy's "Bill", right?"
Dan - "yeah, sure...."
Sam - "women have more average body fat than men...... I mean... Breasts. What do you think those are made of?
Mike - "Honey and lasagna...."
Mitchell - "puerto rico, gringos but in spanish. isn't that nice."
Mitchell - "there are no gringos like the stompers"
Gina (to Brad) - It's not a blind date, just eat it"
Mike (to Joe) - "How'd you get your own dessert plate?"
Dan - "It's good to be queen!"
Mike (to Karla) - "You're a sucker!"
Karla - "I'm nice"
Dan - "You need to be cold and have a hard heart."
Karla (gesturing to me) - "like him?"
Dan - "that little hardware store over there [in Morelia MEX]..... I have more tools in my roadbox than they have for sale....
Mikey D (after 2 weeks in MEX) - "Alto"
Tim & Dan - "oh my god..... Mikey D just spoke Spanish"
Sam - "How many sisters do you have, Mitchell?"
Mitchell - "counting yours?"
Mitchell (when the generator screwed up) - "Let's just pour water on the (electrical) ground.
Mike D - "Let's just pee on it"
Khalid (working out the between show MX buffet) - "I think I just put soup on my salad"
Sam - "don't play with it......."
Mike - if I don't play with it, it ain't gettin played with"
Robby (Monterey load in) - "There's a local 1 sound guy throwing up right now & he don't even know why..."
Mike (on stage in Monterrey) - "Is that a bat or a giant moth?"
Dan - "yes"
Mike - "Hey Mitchell..... I ain't no hollerback girl!"
Kathy - "How is Julio, speaking of shagging someone in Mexico...."
Robby (in Denver) - "Hey, does anyone remember.... the last time we were here.... did Crawford shag the binocular guy?"
Ft Lauderdale stagehand - "he's like a one-legged cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond"
someone who paid me off to remain nameless - "don't pull over here... I can't throw up in front of all these Star Trek people."
Michael - "I think Mike (me) is handicapped"
Michelle - "Why do you think that?"
Michael - "Cause he has tattoos"
Michelle - No, he's not. Tattoos are just decoration..."
Michael - "Oh [pause] maybe he's just a little...."
Michelle, ripping music, asks Andrew (7) what kind of music is popular in his class.......
Andrew - "Well, mostly classical."
Michelle - "Does anyone listen to popular music."
Andrew - "Popular music?"
Michelle - "Yeah, you know on the radio…"
Andrew - "No! 'Cause everyone's Chinese. [long pause while mom turns her back and silently laughs] But I like rock."
Michelle - "Yeah, you get that from my side of the family."
Andrew - [Breaks into giggles.]
Kathy (after I find her AMEX in the copy machine) - "Oh Wow..... that woulda came in handy last night [Noah's Birthday]... I wonder what I paid with....."
Ryan - "I got stoned about 3 years ago and set the warehouse on fire....."
Robby (after Kathy tried to rig the bet) - "you can't do that! Martha Stewart went to jail for that kinda shit...."
Robby (at the gig in Long Beach) - "this room right here, right here where this table is..... this is where I elbowed Alanis Morissette in the throat."
Kathy - "Bubba, that must have been her cat"
Sparkle Puddin' - "I had a rabbit named Bubba; she'd bite you, she was mean....."
Sam - "your hair looks nice, did you get it done?"
Kathy - "I washed it."
Mike (to Kathy) - "It doesn't have to hurt, but why wouldn't you want it to?"
Marissa (to Kathy) - "do you hurt men often?"
Kathy - "I'm afraid I do"
Dan - "What would Klaus' pirate name be?"
Sam - "Nancy"
Kathy - "I can't eat this..... it makes my hands hurt and I salivate."
Robby - "hey Sparkle, why don't you go get mommy an envelope"
Karen - "I'm drunk, but I'm not Pat Sajack"
Robby - "yeah, I've got a penis....... I've been on the "p" end of Pinnochio"
Gina (about me) - "Wow, looking at you from the back like that....it looks like a clown threw up on you."
Wacki - "his breath is so bad he could knock a buzzard off the back of a shit truck from 100 yards"
Karen - "from the get go, I was gone...."
Kathy - "I don't want to punish him because he's sick....."
Mike - "well, punish him cuz he's a dick"
JHo - "You wanna see my compost pile? We're so poor we have to make our own dirt."
Bob C - "I just want to see the dog get so excited it pees on Sam"
Tim (after a moment of pondering) - "Is Country alone at the grill?"
Robby, Sam, JHo & Tim immediately shoot to their feet and head towards the grill...
J & KHo's dog playing w/toy....
Tim - "what's that?"
KHo - "it's a cube that dispenses food as she plays with it"
Tim - "Country needs one of those"
JHo - "yeah, we have a couple new rules....... one is "no spray painting in the house""
Robby (over the walkie talkie) - "Oh no he didn't........"
Mike - "que"
Robby - "Wacki just made a paper toilet and took a crap onstage"
Country - "Do they really travel a live goat? Cuz I'm liable to get drunk & eat the mother fucker."
Wacki - "do you think when she takes a crap two turtle doves come down with a terrycloth robe and fly away with the turd?
Tamara (bartender) to Sam - "You're special"
Country (to Tim) - "it's a good thing your cute, cuz I'd kick your ass........"
Country - "you know how to get outta that hole, doncha....... quit diggin!"
Steve - "how do you feel?"
Country - "a little better."
Steve - "well, you don't look any better....."
Country - "I was dead asleep when you called me"
Steve T - "which time?"
Country - "the last time"
Country - "hi, I'm country"
Steward at gig in York, PA - "you a little bit rock & roll too?"
Mike - "Hey Brad, do any of the guys in the office wear baseball caps?"
Brad - "Buncha faggots in hats? I don't think so......"
Country - "that's a dollar waitin' on a dime........." (whatever that means)
Country (to me) - "It's not a speed race, mappy!"
Country (re: tasting Mike's Hoegarden) - That's like drinkin' strippers perfume...."
Wacki - "watch alarm....... who uses a watch alarm?"
Sam - "I wake up with one every morning."
Wacki - "that's like a mouse taking a crap next to my head..... that would never work."
Wacki - "It's got a big vein on the top of it like the northbound lane of I95"
Ward - "that guy....... he's about the dimmest bulb in the chandelier...."
Mike (walking up to the gig in Binghamton) - "hey this was the city that my stalker was in"
Sam - "You had a stalker?........... of course you did"
Mike - "yeah, this law student from FL that I met on a flight from Tampa to LA"
Pasquale - "Ted Bundy was a law student"
Kathy (to Mike) - "I think you should buy me an ipod.... my birthday wasn't that long ago....."
Country - I got half, what's that...... 50%.... that's an "F"".
Mike (the afternoon of Schenectady load in) "If I knew what time it was right now, I'd throw up"
Country (to robby) - "go on stanky........ stank!"
Mike - "the last time we were in Atlanta was the time Sawicki & Columbus got robbed at the ATM"
Robby - "No, that was the time before. The last time we were in Atlanta, the strippers boyfriend came to Sawicki's room with the gun..."
Tim - "someday, before this is all over, you should write a book......"
Mike - "Everyone who knows me says I should write a book"
Tim - "Well why not, you have a strong point of view, you've seen a lot of things, you've thrown up in your hands...... what more could you ask for"
Kathy - "every 3 months you need new shoes because your feet get bored."
Kathy - "Country, what happened to your lip....... did you get into a fight?"
Country - " ....got burnt by a hot pocket."
Country - "sparkle......."
Local in St Louis - "........ polo"
Qualiana - "I should doodle more stuff which I'm trying to do but it's hard to do without the inspiration of Godiva drinks and
a swirly colored-arm, skirt-wearing, bright-blonded, pierced, funny recluse sitting across a table from me."
Kathy - "what's do you call it when there's a bunch of trees?"
Mike & Robby - "orchard"
Kathy - "Drivers can drive on the day before they drive...." (then made into a pop/rap song by Mike & Country.....
Kathy - "scotch & skateboarding, a deadly combination"
Jeremy - "what's this.... chicken?"
Sam - "when you throw up........"
Robby - "don't catch it!"
......... yeah, that one involves me.........
Robby - "remember the other day when you were sayin that noone wrote tuba concertios...."
Mike - "hey, that's on fire"
Esteban (2) - "I have only one life........ I must enjoy"
Mike (after leaving brasil for argentina) "i've never been more excited about speaking spanish"
Robby - "hey...... that's on fire"
Kathy - (hearing the show on stage)...... "POLES! I better do some work!"
Ward - "Your secret's safe with me......"
Kathy - "if I had a gun, there's be so many dead people.........."
Robby (to a woman in the cafe in Brazil)- "your english is so good"
woman - "well, I went to Georgetown and I teach at Berlitz...."
Kathy - "do you have any reais in your pocket?"
Mike - "yeah, why"
Kathy - "how do you spell it?"
Kathy - "Mike....... where's my passport?"
Robby (re: old grey & fuzzy) - "so........ he knocked her up, now he's gotta get a real job"
Mike - " maybe I'm grouchy because it's been so long since we've seen Country".
Pooh - "How do you say "Guacamole" in Spanish?"
Sawicki - "guacamole"
Mike D (about the theatre in MX city) - "what's this place seat?"
Kathy - "Mexicans"
Kathy (from the office in Monterrey) - "Can I call Mexico from here?"
Sawicki - "Gear's Here!!"
Robby- (about Mexican internet connections) - "there's a burro pullin' soma data down the line right now"
Sawicki - "don't do the math...... I already did it"
Sam - "look.. you got an Easter egg too" (after I got to the section of Goat with a kidney)
Kathy - "hey man, what are all those little short poles for?"
Mike - "Kathy, those are the broom handles......"
Sam - "I got rug burns on my shoulders"
Bouncer at the strip club to Sam - "sir, you need to put your kilt back on."
Richard - "you can jump off the roof into the pool......... just don't let my mom see you"
Paul (guy at the gig in Myrtle Beach) to another one of the locals - "hey man, don't mess with us Mexicans, I'll kick your ass & get your sister pregnant."
Sam - "all I know is that if my daughter went out dressed like that I'd be looking at her too."
Sam's about to throw away 1/2 a barrel we just cut up..........
Local Stagehand - "Wait, you can feed cows outta that thing!"
Robby - "Look, there's two of Tim, because he's beside himself!"
Sam - "____________" (edited for content)
Mike - "Sam, I can't put shit like that on the quote page!"
Country - "You know, the best thing about the pregnant chick.... her eyes"
Robby - "That's the most metrosexual thing I've ever heard Country say"
Sam - "You know the best thing about pregnant chicks....." (as the pregnant waitress walks up behind sam)
Robby - "they can hear you?"
Little girl in the Dallas airport - "When you eat chicken, it dies."
Country - "who died and made you..."
Robby - "...my gay brother"
Guy on the local crew in Shreveport, LA - "More spackle, less cackle"
Mike - "I don't need attitude, I just need answers"
Country - "I never went to recess..... you know why? ..........cuz I don't play."
Mike - I haven't had Biology since my sophomore year of High School........."
Robby - "me too...... sophomore year.........."
Sam - "I haven't had it since 10th grade."
Country - "do what I do when I do like I do"
Mike D - "electricians, come and see me.... carpenters, see the guy in the dress"
Shannon (country's sis) about his pics on my site - " How come every picture looks like you're drunk?"
Country - "Mikeymartin, it's all Hip-Hop, and it's all crap........"
Sam or Mike or Country (don't actually remember who said it) - "never drink in a place with plastic darts"
Mike - "they could be staring at the kilt, or at the haircut, or at the tattoos..... who knows"
Country - "but at least they're not staring at the earrings........"
Mike (to country) - "Monkey's your girlfriend"
Tom - "I've spilled more drugs on the floor than you've ever seen in your whole life"
Country - This is the kinda thing that makes Country get loud & mouthy
Tim - "that's smokey tasty"
Mike (raising his glass of skippy) - "here's to contortionism-ism"
Robby - "The shithole venues really bring out the quote page, don't they"
Mike - "I don't need no bump button, I can feel that shit, I'm a surgeon!"
Robby - "stomp became a bus and truck one-niter so gradually I hardly even noticed"
Kathy - "love is never having to say your sorry"......... (I almost spit, i laughed so hard..........)
Serwacki - "what's the difference between Arnica gel and Tiger Balm??
Kathy - "Arnica gel is like tiger balm but it's not made of tigers"
Mike - "meow meow buddy time meow meow" (I know, but it's funny to Robby & I, so I don't really care if it makes sense to anyone else.......)
several people (about last night)- "I haven't smoked that much weed since I was a freshman in college"
Gal at Chic-Filet taking my drive thru order - "is that to go?"
Wacki (to Kathy about the gash on her head) - "Kathy, it looks like a vagina..... you gotta go get that stitched up"
Kathy - "I wish that the east coast time zone could be on the west coast"
Robby (drinkin' champagne w/Klaus in front of the SLO airport) - "I wonder if they've dropped the towers yet"
Country - "where are they"
Sawicki - "I dunno..... they haven't called me.... maybe I've been bugging them too much lately"
Kathy - "Dude, I almost homewrecked yesterday...... you'd been proud of me."
Sawicki's hat - "I spend my money on booze, drugs and women, the rest I waste........"
Country - "I don't like cocaine, I just like the way it smells....."
Country - "he's all grown up now......."
Mike - "yeah, once you get that 2nd restraining order placed on you, your an adult.........."
Kathy - "I hate to be responsible for a patron.... I mean, we didn't know he'd vomit....."
Tim (spaToola) - "How big could a suckling pig chop be?"
Ward - "Homewreckers without boundaries"
Sam/JHo - "Go before you go"
Tim (spaToola) - "Sawicki looks like Flash Gordon gone bad"
Henry (to JHo) - "I'll be coming into your little ferry terminal"
Christine - "Vin Diesel is gay......... it's a big secret......... don't tell anyone"
Kathy - "It's been a long f'n week when you add Sunday to it"
Sam - How come every town I go to, I hear John Sawicki's voice?"
AA Stewardess - "Unexpected turbulence may occur unexpectantly"
Person in the bar in New London—“He could talk a dog out of a meat truck.”
JHo—“If you are quibbling over the price of your drugs, you need to stop.”
Mike—“You know......better than good is better than good.”
Mike—“If there’s any naked pictures of me..............it’s not me.”
Mike—“That chicken’s got a lemon in its butt....”
Shammy—“Yeah.”
Theseus—“I’m gonna remember this night from ‘what,’ ‘burr’ and ‘crap.’”
Michelle (to Q)—“And you were the one left holding the sausage.”
Country—“If this ain’t science fiction, it doesn’t exist.”
Mike—“Country, don’t force the quotes.”
Guy in Muncie—"Oh yeah.......we did our fat Tuesday celebration last Saturday”
JHo (during Charleston load out)—“Mikey D..........you’re flirting like you’re gonna be here tonight.”
Lady in the next booth over (about her son)—"He’s just so anal-attentive........I don’t know how to handle it.”
Country—“Sawicki must be working ‘cuz I’m back........special occasion and all.”
Kathy (on phone to a friend w/the Rockettes)—“Is Santa still gay? That’s a valid question!”
Qualiana—“I won him over with my dangling participle.”
Kathy—“Oh My God.......Sam has a brother named Weaver.”
Mikey D’s bumper Sticker—“Dude, Where’s my Country.” (It means something else to us entirely.)
Ian—“I just slipped on the freedom trail.”
Amy—“Are you smoking in there so you can get my monkey high?”
Chad—“There’s this game called ‘Redneck Rampage’......”
Paul B—“Yeah, yeah, yeah.....I know that game.”
JHo—“Velcro mittens.”
Sam—“Waders.......edge of the cliff..........”
Sam—“I got some nekkid magazines and some whoopin’ oil.”
Country—“You’re gonna see Country get Countrified.”
Country—“Who’s gettin’ Nekkid?”
Robby (to Mike)—“You know..........with my brains, and my brawn, we make a good team.”
Robby—“Joe, where’s my coat. I need to find my coat.”
Joe—“Robby, you’re holding your coat.”
Robby (to Sawicki)—“How many times did they kick you in the head?”
Q—“Do you want a marionette?”
Mike—“I don’t even know Annette.....”
Fortune cookie I recently received—Closets are for clothes, Girlfriend.
Mike—“Who sings this song?”
Q—“Don Henley.”
Mike—“No, it’s Foreigner........Let’s try the joke again.......Who sings this song?”
Q—“Foreigner.”
Mike—“You should let them sing it.”
Q—“I liked Don Henley better.”
Q—“Don’t say that in public again.......There’s microphones & cameras everywhere.”
Q—“Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful............”
Kathy (to the guys from the Minneapolis box office)—“Do you guys ever get cold in the winter?”
Mike (to the same guys)—“Do you ever get wet when you swim?”
Tim—“My grandma just wants to live to be a hundred.”
JHo—“I just want to live long enough to be a royal pain in the ass to everyone around me.......so I guess I can die tomorrow.”
Mike—“I’d recommend the crab cakes, Qualiana.”
Bill (to Q)—“I thought you didn’t like seafood.”
Qualiana—“I’m allergic.”
Mike —“That’s sorta the point, Bill.”
Qualiana—“I never really understood Nihilism before today’s pre-show.”
Jim (to the front desk person in Albuquerque)—“Where is a nice place to go, spend the day, walk around, and then have
a nice dinner that evening?”
Waitress—“Well........We have this place, it’s new, it’s called the Olive Garden.........It’s really nice and
it’s across from the mall, so you could walk around there..............”
Qualiana—“Your hair looks especially good today.”
Mike—“I just did the same thing that I always do to it.”
Qualiana—“Well, today it worked.”
Bill—“My moustache isn’t fluffy.”
Mike—“Qualiana, I was shopping for feminine hygiene products before you were a twinkle in your daddy’s eye.”
Qualiana—“He’s not my main focus............”
Clear Channel kid—“That’s not the way we do it.”
Kathy—“Well, Skippy, when your dad and I were drinkin’ in the bar, that’s the way WE did it!” (Ok, not really all that was said in the same room.)
A tee-shirt in Pittsburgh—Too many right wing Christians, not enough lions.
Mike—“When I grow up, I want to play the triangle.”
Country—“You can’t do both.”
Country—“Look at you, lookin’ all like you look.”
Robby—“I’ve got a bootie on every plunger and two in the drawer.”
Jim (to Qualiana)—“If he wants you to be his muse, what’s wrong with that?”
Qualiana—“I don’t wanna be amused........”
Dan McGuire—“Hey there, home.........boy.”
Michael—“Giiii…..na.”
MikeyD—“I’m not the ‘man,’ I’m just the man’s helper.”
Maureen— (about my tattoo) “You know that’s not gonna wash off, don’t you.”
Ward—“Whatever you do, don’t floss your teeth.”
Mike—“I’m ‘IN.’” (Kathy likes that one.)
Klaus—“Wow. That place is a den of inequity.”
Kathy—“You guys wanna see No Doubt?”
Joe—“This ain’t Les Mis.”
Mike—“Taos is the kinda place where you can walk around any corner and bump your head on a dream catcher.”
Ward/Mike—“These are some Birkenstock-wearing, patchouli-smelling, dream-catcher-weaving, kokopeli-shadow-candle-burning, Hopi-mask-carvin’, turquoise-horse-head-makin’, quilt-quiltin’, ceramic-tile-paintin’, sage-burnin’, womens’-issues-studin’, bolo-tie-wearin’, so & so’s.”
Jimmy “Ace”—“She gets more tail than a toilet seat.”
Kathy—“Go ahead, eat that sugar, you bitch!"
Country—“Skippy don’t really work that way.”
Robby—“Did we really buy a $70 bottle of beer last night?”
Mike—“Expand to fill the space...............” (Country really seemed to like that one.)
Andrew—“You know who I love more than you.”
Michelle—“Who?”
Andrew—“My brother; I’m always there to help him when he gets hurt.”
Michelle—“That’s nice, Andrew. But, you know, you’re often the one hurting him.”
Andrew—“I know....that’s convenient.”
Country—“Ain’t nothin’ like a good butcherin’ of the English language.”
Jimmy “Ace”—“You got a purrty mouth....”
JHo—“Shuckin’ shack.......What’s that?”
Country—“The same thing as a ‘sugar shack’, but with less sugar & more shuckin’.”
Robby—“LFI for the week, $3,800..............Country......priceless!”
Qualiana to JHo—“I want to go drinking with you sometime.”
JHo—“You don’t get up early enough.”
Sawicki—“Mike Martin, where’s Bill?”
Mike—“I don’t know. Why don’t you call him?”
Sawicki—“I did.....He doesn’t answer if it’s me.”
Robby (to the chick at the bar)—“You’re not leaving because I called you a ‘pig,’ are you?”